he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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