you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
