Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
