my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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