you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
