The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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