my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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