I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
