just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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