I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize