I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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