So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
