just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
