theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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