There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
