why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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