Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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