If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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