Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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