Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
