I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
