Define "chronic" masturbator.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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