Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
