I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
