the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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