May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
