I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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