Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
