Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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