I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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