How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
