remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
