im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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