either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
