Whod you bang
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
