have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
