I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
