**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
