I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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