uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
