Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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