You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
