based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
