My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
