I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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