when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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