i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
