I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
