Three words: puerto rican gang bang
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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