Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
