I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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