This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
