i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
