You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It was confusing and full of hummus
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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