Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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