is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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