he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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