a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
