Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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