I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
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So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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